“Helping is not always helping.” -Family adage shared by a very smart friend

I don’t spend a lot of time in the produce section, but an impromptu exchange on Sunday got me thinking. A young father asked “Why should I have to push her doll around in the cart? She can carry her own toy.” He was being funny but also serious and another guy his age turned from the cucumbers and added “Yeah, and why don’t kids have to carry their own backpacks anymore?”

I listened quietly while I finished making my selection and then told them as I walked by, “My father would still be laughing at me if I ever asked him to carry my backpack.”

So does it really matter if kids carry their own backpacks?

Actually, yes. Yes it does.

On a literal level, it forces kids to learn not to pack more than they can carry. There’s a pretty good metaphor in there as well. 

Also on that literal level, you deprive kids from building strength when you take away the burdens they can manage. Yes, that’s metaphoric as well.

This principle carries over from parenting to the management world where we sometimes have to remind ourselves not to solve other people’s problems. We might be helping them, and likely ourselves, in the short run, but we’re essentially disabling them in the long run by forcing them to depend on us to act for them. Eventually we won’t be there for them – then what?

Back to the education world, as a high school English teacher, I provided feedback to my students on their essays, which I fully expected they would revise. Sometimes students would see me about the comment “Unclear phrasing” and ask me what they should do. My response was “Make it clear.” They did not love that answer but usually understood that I wanted them to figure it out, maybe struggle with the language before finding that just right diction or syntax.

Struggle builds strength. It’s true for weightlifters. It’s true for staff members. It’s true for writers. And it’s true for young backpack carriers. Each of those three groups has a supporter in a leadership role, whether it’s a spotter, supervisor, editor/teacher or parent, all of whom are close enough that they can jump in if needed, but far enough away to allow growth to occur.

When we carry people’s backpacks for them, we do so from a position of caring and good intentions. But if we want to give the gift of independence, maybe it’s best if they figure out how to manage the burden themselves.